How to win at Fallout 3 Forever.

Be Sneaky.

Really, that's the cardinal rule of Fallout 3. Don't go anywhere at a full run, use fast travel to cross the map if you have a long distance to travel, but once you get where you're going, start sneaking.

Also, all that baloney you've always heard from your military and law enforcement friends about aiming for something called 'center of mass'? Forget it. Only ever aim for the head (in the case of robots and other odd creatures, aim for the most head-like object). If bits don't explode when you kill someone, you're doing it wrong.

Pistols are more powerful than rifles. At least, if you're following the rest of this guide. Pistols have a higher sneak-attack crit rate, so if you're doing everything else we've told you, you will beat the game with the gun you're given in the starting level. Thank you, Amata, for handing me the key to the world. (If you want to get really exotic, get a silent pistol, but that's not even wholly necessary once stealth is maxed.)

If someone has a really cool weapon, and they're out of reach, make sure to gib the corpse. Did you know that you can get the gun they were holding up on that balcony by searching their jawbone? Yeah, sense. Kiss it goodbye.

Also, if you're in someone's house, and they have a bunch of bottles lying around, don't start cleaning up after them. It will make you the devil. Really.

Winning gunfights with a knife.

If you're the sort of person who has played Modern Warfare 2, you probably fall into one of two groups. Those who use particular tactics, and those who decry these same tactics.

This is sort of inevitable in any online game where balance is a consideration, and there is often a great deal of flaming between those who believe that all options are equally balanced, and their chosen combo works because they're simply better than everyone else, and those who object to certain combinations being inherently easier to play.

I myself don't actually care, since I have no inherent need to prove my superiority as a human being by lewdly displaying the number of people I've killed in an online environment. However, certain situations in the game have led to some observations on my part that I think may bear some investigating.

1. Knives make you invincible.

Ok, that's an exaggeration on my part. I apologize. It's actually the act of stabbing itself that makes you invincible. While in the act of engaging in a lunging stab from about six or seven feet away, your body appears to enter an alternate state of being wherein bullets and shotgun rounds appear to have no discernable effect on your health. I'm not sure if the military is aware of this yet, but as bayonets have been equipped to rifles for centuries now, I'm sure they've experimented with this phenomenon. The fact that we continue to put bullets in our guns suggests to me that perhaps this isn't the height of realism.

2. Combat Air Patrol is for Pansies.

In Modern Warfare 2, the skies are unchallenged. The only thing protecting you from getting your skull penetrated (demolished? obliterated?) by a 105mm cannon is your buddy over there carrying a Stinger missile. Your commanding officers are apparently of the impression that you are such a blazing hardass, that you can fight a war on the ground and in the air simultaneously. Thus, when the enemy summons a lumbering cargo plan with more guns mounted than most large tanks, you are usually pretty helpless. No F/A-18s flying support, no F-15s on air superiority. Just an enemy AC-130 and a whole lot of craters.

3. Riot Shields are Invincible.

Why do we not all have riot shields? Why doesn't the president wear one under his suit? Because apparently, no matter how many .50 caliber anti-material rifle rounds you pour into a piece of reinforced plastic, it simply will not budge. But if you shoot a car with this same rifle, or even a 9mm pistol, and it will eventually explode. Apparently cars are a horrible safety hazard that we should take off the road immediately, since they are prone to explode once shot and left unattended. Or maybe, if we built cars out of riot shields, the world would be a safer place.

4. Grenade launchers are the primary weapons of homosexuals.

You know what? I'm not even going to explain this one.

Pokemon, and what it can do for your sanity.

Pokemon opens the imaginations of children to a world filled with joy and wonder. The joy of enslaving hundreds of intelligent, possibly sentient animals, and the wonder of personally controlling deadly monsters capable of destroying entire towns.

Consider Gyarados, Tyranitar, Charizard, and Groudon. All huge, all listed in their Pokedex information as capable of major property and environmental destruction. Each one having an important role in several competitive lineups. And you're expected to believe that these enormous monsters, capable of demolishing your fragile child-like body without effort, are going to sit down, shut up, and chill in a little red tennis ball until you let them out to fight. Additionally, they will follow all your orders, and never, ever will your slave monsters turn on you in a moment of repressed savagery.

Let's talk about one of my personal favorites, Scyther. It has swords for hands. Hold on, did you catch that? Let me repeat it. It has swords for hands. Awesome, right? Also, it can apparently chop through logs (size is never definitively stated) in a single blow. This is surely meant to sound impressive, but it really just raises more questions. How big a log? Lengthwise, or across? Hardwood or soft? The important thing to remember here, above all else, is that Scyther has swords for hands. This means no grasping at prey, no greeting a new employer with a handshake, no dancing with your owner like a Labrador Retriever. Of course, Scyther are bipedal, so I guess they can dance however they want to (Ha! Swords Dance!). To further complicate Scyther, it's a human-sized insect with a reptilian head. Your first thought may be "Why?!", but if it is, you're missing the point. This thing was designed for little boys. What is the coolest thing in the world when you're 8? Bugs. Possibly swords. Bugs with swords for arms? Priceless.

But for all his coolness, the fundamental question of "why are humans still alive" can't be answered by Scyther. He's a man-high, bipedal, twin-sword-wielding carnivore who is either coldblooded or clearblooded, depending on which part of his anatomy his circulatory system patterns itself after. Why he doesn't hack the impudent run who tries to capture him in half at the outset of battle is beyond me.

Which brings up my other point of contention. All of the Pokemon games make it sound like the world is incredibly dangerous, that you shouldn't leave your home village without a Pokemon bodyguard. Professors express shock that you would even consider setting foot outside town lines without a fire-breathing, water-squirting, leaf-blowing sidekick to make sure you don't get EATEN BY WILD POKEMON! Which is an event that, in my opinion, should have happened more often.

"You have found REMAINS OF A POKETRAINER!"

"You pick up ONE GOLD TOOTH!"

It's a real system shock when you go from "Don't leave the village or you will get violated by angry wild monsters" and "collect as many angry wild monsters as you can and wear them on your belt. This is your destiny". Call me crazy, but I don't know how comfortable I am with having Shredder "McSwords-for-hands" Scyther sitting on my belt.

The criminal organizations in the world of Pokemon are just as laughable as their massive murder monsters, with both regularly toppling to the whims of children. "Oh, so you're a rare and ancient manifestation of the power that created Lightning itself? How nice for you. Here comes a 9-year old with a red tennis ball. Guess you're nicked, chum." "Oh, so you're a massive, continent-spanning criminal enterprise with a plan in action that's been laid for years and involves cooperation and communication on a massive level? Here comes a 9-year old with a ball-covered belt. Game over. You guys can't handle this."

But the thing that breaks immersion the most....

THERE ARE NO BATHROOMS IN THE WORLD OF POKEMON. NONE WHATSOEVER. No wonder sewage takes on a monstrous form (Muk and Grimer) and wanders about... it's got nowhere else to go.